A primer for those (especially Christian men) who have never done the deed
There is a lot of pressure leading up to the wedding night. You just finished one of the biggest days of your life, you just made a lifelong promise that was witnessed by friends and family and now you are supposed to switch gears and get it on. Heads up, this could be way harder than you think.
I can tell you first hand and from story after story from clients and friends that the wedding night can go real sideways. But we all think we are going to be the exception to the rule. “Other people will have problems, not me.”
Don’t be that couple. Give yourself a leg up and expect it to be, at the very least, a new experience that requires a ton of learning and patience. In fact, just go ahead a lower your sexual expectations for that night.
Here’s why, for lot’s of people, the mistakes that are made on the wedding night can create a bad foundation that can last a lifetime. We talk to couples all the time that just shake their head at the mistakes they made that night.
Going from family filled, giant party to hot sex is a tough transition as it is. Then add the stress of all that went into the actual wedding plus the compounding factors of your own sexual baggage, and baby, you got yourself the ingredients for a sexual disaster. But like any disaster, you can be prepared!
Here are 13 things you need to remember when you have sex for the first time (your wedding night). It doesn't matter if you saved yourself until marriage, or if you tried to do the right thing, but ended up fooling around a ton beforehand, or if you just gave yourself over and had all the sex you wanted, the goals should be the same. Fear, guilt and shame should be left outside of your bedroom. It’s all a new chapter, the past does not define you.
1) Lower your sex-pectations
Lot’s of Christians think that this is the pinnacle of all you’ve been waiting for. You got hitched and you are about to have sex- you made it before the rapture happened! The truth is, the first night it going to be awkward, sex isn’t exactly intuitive. The movements and rhythms have to be learned.
Do yourself and your spouse a favor, expect it to be awkward. Expect to not know what you are doing, because if you’ve never had any kind of sex, you won't. So embrace the awkward!
If you are a seasoned sex veteran and starting your new life together, there can still be pressure for your wedding night to be a night of bliss and ecstasy. Remember, you just went through one of the most stressful days of your life and entered into the (according to the American Institute of Stress) 7th most stressful experience a person can endure, marriage.
Don’t succumb to the artificial notion that you have to hump like rabbits. You aren’t a rabbit- yet.
2) Sex can happen without your junk
As in your genitals. Remember, sex isn’t just penetrative acts, I love what my old psychology professor, Dr. Feller used to say, “sex is two people being mutually vulnerable and mutually gratified.”
Notice that doesn’t say anything about an orgasm, especially his (a mans) orgasm.
Use the time to unwind after all big day. Hold one another and just bask in what you’ve done. If something warms up and leads to sex, that’s okay. But, if it’ doesn’t and you just need a cuddle and some sleep, go with that. Maybe take a bubble bath together.
You’ll have plenty of time for intercourse in the future. When in doubt, switch it up. Go for a late night walk, watch a movie, order room service or a pizza. The night does not have to be about sex at all.
3) Expect there to be crying. Just say it now, there will be crying.
You both are physically exhausted. You need sleep. It’s been a big day. Happy, sad or afraid the transition from single to married life is a big one. This is a great moment to just embrace and reassure each other that all will be well.
The last 10 things are specifically for the dude, but go ahead and read them too.
4) Don’t put pressure on your new bride to perform (or ever for that matter)
You don’t want to set this kind of precedent in your marriage. Your wife isn’t someone to objectify or use. Really check in to make sure she’s feeling relaxed and in a good place. If she’s feeling stressed, tell her that it’s totally cool to not do anything that night!
5) In every way possible, tell your bride that she’s safe and free from any expectation other than to be loved
If this sounds like more of number 4, it’s because it’s that important. You are surrendering your sexuality to her. She loves you, she’s not going to withhold and punish you. Likewise she’s not there to masturbate inside of. If you winced when you read this, you should have, because using your wife for pure sexual gratification is really that bad. Deal with it man.
6) Don’t put pressure on yourself to perform
If you are feeling pressure and can’t get it up, dude bro, this is normal. It happens all the time, to all kinds of dudes. Go back to number one and go take a bubble bath together.
7) Don’t ever ever, ever, ever blame your spouse for a less than stellar sexual moment
It takes two to tango. If she’s feeling out of it, it’s your job to help her understand that everything is going to be okay. Let her know that it’s totally normal to feel out of it- especially on your wedding day!
Don’t ever, ever, ever even begin to hint that something is wrong with her for
A) Taking a long time to get in the mood (it takes a while, she’s a crock pot, you are a microwave).
B) Not exactly liking sex yet (it can take a while to even begin to enjoy).
C) Orgasms not happen, lot’s of factors here. Lower your expectations.
8) Calm the hell down
This isn’t the night you need to go crazy on, it’s going to take you guys a while to hit your stride. You aren’t going to explode if you can’t have sex. Seriously.
9) What you saw in porn isn’t how it’s going to work- don’t bring any of those expectations into your wedding night
Yeah, if that’s what you are carrying into this, you might as well have been reading comic books. Give you and your wife a huge courtesy and leave that stuff out of this, in fact, just abandon porn all together.
10) If you’ve never ever been touched down there expect it not to work out like you had hoped
Here are some two common scenarios
A) the hair trigger (it’s going to go off at the first whisper). Totally normal.
B) It’s going to feel like a reluctant freeze dried, overly thawed hot dog. It’s just not going to show up and do the work. Also totally normal.
If needed, go back to step one.
11) Lube- it’s your new best friend
My favorite is Penchant, it’s not greasy, it cleans really well and makes the entire process a LOT easier and way more fun. Be in charge of this and go ahead and get it. You can also get it on Amazon, if that's your bag.
12) Sex is pretty messy
Don’t be grossed out by it. If she is, use reassuring words rather than, get over it! Be prepared. Have some hand towels nearby and find the way that you two like to keep things tidy.
However, there is something that’s pretty satisfying about sex that’s so messy you’ve got to take a shower afterwards.
13) Embrace the novel (the new experience, not a book)
How often do you get to dress up like you do on your wedding day? How often do you get to walk through a line of all your friends and family holding sparklers, jump in a limo and then get whisked off to a hotel?
If you BOTH are feeling the spirit move and you are BOTH feeling the excitement of the moment, go with it. But don’t feel like you have to fit the entire Kama Sutra into one night.
Lastly, enjoy the process. You won't’ get it right, you will make mistakes. Knowing this ahead of time will really help! If you are feeling at a loss for what to do, go with love, love and more love. Embrace, hug, laugh, talk- a lot and work on not allowing any fear, guilt or shame to stick around.